March 16, 2020

Stay Home

If everybody on Earth quarantined themselves for the next three weeks this whole thing would be over. Stop going out, you dummies.

August 4, 2019

Did You Know?

Did you know that the only way to prevent babies from getting stabbed by knives isn’t to take the knives out of their playpen, but to drop even more knives in there so that they can protect themselves from other babies with knives?

June 14, 2016

For Anybody Who Says Gun Regulation Isn’t the Answer

It’s not. But it is an answer. You know who’s never committed a mass shooting in the history of ever? Somebody without a gun.

Saying “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” is like saying “cars don’t drive on roads, people drive on roads.” I mean, yeah, but c’mon. To ignore the fact that guns make it easier to kill people is to ignore the literal reason why they were invented.

You don’t see hunters trying to take down deer with their bare hands and it’s because killing things is hard when you don’t have the proper equipment. And, as it turns out, guns are the exact proper equipment you need when your goal is to make something dead.

It only makes sense that regulating firearms (particularly semi-automatic rifles) would reduce the rates of mass shootings, if only because you can’t shoot somebody without a gun.

“Then they’ll get one off the black market.”

Maybe. Or maybe they won’t. Or maybe they’ll be arrested trying to get one off the black market. Escalating levels of difficulty inherently make an event less likely to occur. It’s the reason why I don’t have an Olympic gold medal and why I probably won’t be a billionaire. And also why I don’t know how to get a gun off the black market even though I 100% know how to get one from a gun store.

Yes, if somebody really wanted to get a gun they could probably still get a gun. There’s enough of them already out there that to think it’s impossible would be foolish. But making it more difficult works by the very nature of the fact that it’s more difficult. If somebody really wanted to steal my TV they could chop down my front door with an axe, but I still lock my doors and my TV is just fine.

“Then they’ll find some other way to kill [insert group of people who get killed].”

If you told me to kill a gorilla and gave me a gun I could probably do it. If you told me to kill a gorilla but took away my gun then we’d have a problem. I might find a way to do it, but odds are you’d end up having to tell my parents I was murdered and possibly raped by a gorilla.

If the United States didn’t have the atomic bomb, they wouldn’t have been able to kill 100,000 people on a single day in Hiroshima no matter how badly they wanted it done. It’s possible a mass shooter could be Tony Stark and build a tank using things they found in their garage, but it’s more likely that without the ability to purchase a gun they simply wouldn’t be able to carry out their plan. Plus, every additional step to carrying out a plan is an additional step where they can be caught or stopped or be too incompetent to complete it.

Buying a gun is a one step process. Even building the simplest bomb on Instructables is probably like a four-step process, and that probably doesn’t even include acquiring the materials. Also, that one is probably a toy and doesn’t explode.

“But the Second Amendment gives us the right to bear arms.”

Shut up. Just shut up. Anybody who says anything is right or wrong because a 200-year-old document says so is an idiot.

What if the Second Amendment said: “Every third baby born should be eaten”? Eventually we’d look around, see that we were eating way too many babies, and decide that maybe living our lives based on something written down on a really old piece of paper is stupid no matter how important we think that piece of paper is. If a rule is dumb, it’s dumb. It doesn’t matter who wrote it or when.

In conclusion…

There isn’t really a conclusion here. This was more a stream of thought as I tried to process the events in Orlando and how ridiculous it is we’re still the only nation where mass killing is routine. I understand the need for guns, but I don’t understand why it’s so easy to get one or why anybody would need a semi-automatic rifle. As Conan so reasonably puts it:

I simply do not understand why anybody in this country is allowed to purchase and own a semi-automatic assault rifle. It makes no sense to me. These are weapons of war and they have no place in civilian life. I have tried to understand this issue from every side and it all comes down to this: Nobody I know or have ever met in my entire life should have access to a weapon that can kill so many people so quickly.

Obviously, curing the root of the problem and changing people’s hearts and minds is the ultimate goal, but until then, how about we just get rid of the guns? Ideally, we would also want to change the hearts and minds of every child who wants to jump out of a moving vehicle, but until then, we keep the child safety locks. And am I equating gun-rights activists to children who try to jump out of moving vehicles? Yes. Yes I am.

January 22, 2016

Learn To Drive On The Freeway

Want to become an expert freeway driver like me? Well too bad. It takes years of training and professional track experience and you have neither the time nor the skill for that. Instead, I’m going to share with you the single most effective thing you can do to stop sucking on the freeway. It’s actually pretty simple and I can sum it up in one sentence: get out of the passing lane unless you’re passing somebody. That’s it.

Don’t know what the passing lane is? Throw your keys into the ocean and never drive again because you’re an idiot. On second thought, hold on to the keys and throw yourself into the ocean.

There are probably some other things I could mention with regards to driving on the freeway, but staying out of the passing lane is by far the most important. I don’t actually care what else you do, as long as you’re not doing it in the left lane. Feel like driving 12 mph while periodically slamming on your brakes for no reason? Sure, go for it. Just don’t do it in the passing lane, because that’s the lane winners are using to get around people like you. And don’t think you get an exemption just because you’re driving over the speed limit. It doesn’t matter if you’re going 350 mph in a rocket car; if there’s somebody behind you who wants to go 351 mph, get out of the way.

People in Germany understand this, and it’s why despite certain stretches having no speed limit, the Autobahn has less than half the fatality rate and none of the traffic of the United States. Sure, Germany had Hitler, but they also figured out freeways so it kind of evens out.

In conclusion, if you’re in the passing lane and you’re not passing anybody, you’re doing it wrong. You’re also doing life wrong and your parents are ashamed of you.

January 1, 2016

Super Serious Ideas

This site is a collection of my thoughts and ideas. If you’re wondering why you should care, it’s because my thoughts and ideas are better than other people’s thoughts and ideas. Why? Because mine are right. I know this because I have a brain and I use it. I’m probably smarter than you. If not, congratulations, you’re either an artificial intelligence from the future or the living reincarnation of Isaac Newton. Please accept my apologies, as well as my thanks for inventing calculus.

If anything on this site offends you, just remember everything I say is super serious and I totally mean every word of it.