January 22, 2016

Learn To Drive On The Freeway

Want to become an expert freeway driver like me? Well too bad. It takes years of training and professional track experience and you have neither the time nor the skill for that. Instead, I’m going to share with you the single most effective thing you can do to stop sucking on the freeway. It’s actually pretty simple and I can sum it up in one sentence: get out of the passing lane unless you’re passing somebody. That’s it.

Don’t know what the passing lane is? Throw your keys into the ocean and never drive again because you’re an idiot. On second thought, hold on to the keys and throw yourself into the ocean.

There are probably some other things I could mention with regards to driving on the freeway, but staying out of the passing lane is by far the most important. I don’t actually care what else you do, as long as you’re not doing it in the left lane. Feel like driving 12 mph while periodically slamming on your brakes for no reason? Sure, go for it. Just don’t do it in the passing lane, because that’s the lane winners are using to get around people like you. And don’t think you get an exemption just because you’re driving over the speed limit. It doesn’t matter if you’re going 350 mph in a rocket car; if there’s somebody behind you who wants to go 351 mph, get out of the way.

People in Germany understand this, and it’s why despite certain stretches having no speed limit, the Autobahn has less than half the fatality rate and none of the traffic of the United States. Sure, Germany had Hitler, but they also figured out freeways so it kind of evens out.

In conclusion, if you’re in the passing lane and you’re not passing anybody, you’re doing it wrong. You’re also doing life wrong and your parents are ashamed of you.